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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Gearing up for a new year

As the new year starts we find ourselves in familiar circumstances, on the verge another surgery and wondering how I am going to prepare my household for my recovery. I hope we have learned enough that this one will be an easier transistion and we can handle the recovery by ourselves with limited  to no outside help is my goal.

As we look at 2011, so many life altering situations kept us on our toes, and kept our eyes upward focused on Christ expectantly upon Him and not our circumstances we can keep the peace we are promised and not be like the foolish man tossed and fro upon the waves. It is a though we have barely caught our breath when another situatuion has developed and needs our attention.

Starting December 16 we found ourselves in a hailstorm of crazy situations- not of our own making, along with multiple illnesses of our entire family. My pre-schooler came down with a sever case of Hand-Foot & Mouth Disease with blisters all over her mouth, on her tongue, lips, gums, throat, then pink eye, my toddler had pink eye so bad he could barely open his eyes & ROTO virus. I woke up Christmas morning with a searing pain in my throat and pink eye so gunky I could barely open my eyes. Somewhere in there my husband had an infection in his throat and I had a raging sinus infection. We laughingly called it the 7 plagues of Christmas, as this all happened starting Dec 16-25.

Our toddler has had 6 months of therapy from an Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Dietician, Speach Pathologist, Early childhood intervention specialist, Genetic specialist, Physiatrist, Nuerologist. We no longer have need of the pediatric ENT, since Izak had his adenoids removed and I do believe we will be seeing more of the Ophthalmologist since he keeps getting eye infections and I think he needs to have his tear duct lanced.

Genetic testing have ruled out our worst fears for our son, yet we are now looking at Cavernous Malformations as being genetic though not necessarily connected to the developmental delays, so we might be looking at another situation or perhaps seizures undiagnosed? Sometime later this month he will have another swallow study and determine if the adnoidectomy cured the sever Dysphagia and we can give our toddler liquids without using the simply thick.

This year has been a year of acclimating ourselves to numerous appointments most times withing one day, therapy at home with us or with a visiting professional-basically 7-10 specialist a month. Along with therapy plans and goals. Adding on  my pre-schooler's homeschooling and co-op pre-school schedule. Trying to rebuild a catastrophically declined clientele base in a industry I am rapidly wondering if I am too out touch for, if that season has passed me by?

I re-read the year 2011 and find myself fighting the urge to allow irritation to overtake me- when I see what we are facing daily, see it in writing and remember some family members not respecting or even recognizing the healthy boundaries we need to set to properly care for our children. It has been a life altering situation and perhaps a severing that is senseless and ridiculous,  I am honestly not understanding what was quite expected of me and my immediate family from outside family members. Yet I firmly say the ONLY children I am responsible for are the one's GOD gave to me, if we were take anyone else into this household we would put my son's future at risk, I will fiercely protect his future and if some ppl cannot understand that or even how to set a boundary, let me introduce u to one, it's what we have done, I am sorry they do not understand it. We just cannot  allow unhealthy ppl with super-inflated senses of responsibility & extreme co-dependency to taint our lives with their unrealistic expectations the biggest regret is the children will affected by all this and all they want is to play with each other. That it took all this to realize how long we have been manipulated into thinking certain things were up to us to solve and the we were being judged constantly bc we didn't get as involved as others thought we should have been will probably never cease to amaze me. But what now? Reconciliation seems beyond me, not sure I want that crazy back into my life, I am barely living my own life let alone worrying about others who are crazy and need help that is beyond what we are able to give??

But what do u do, turn ur back on ppl who r family bc they keep making wrong decisions? It is so hard to set boundaries when you see a serious need but know u cannot fulfill them and others around u don't respect or understand ur decision when they themselves have over-extending themselves. I understand the feeling that they might have like they cannot help anymore, there are times when we simply have to allow ppl to fall, when u have to make decisions for ur immediate family to protect ur own metal health and those of ur children. It is times like this when I think perhaps I should have done differently, but I remember my daughter covered in blisters and think how much worse it could be if we had others in our house along with the pink eye or ROTO Virus. Plus the week of the incident my toddler had home appointments with the OT, PT, and Early Childhood specialist,  now we did have to cancel due to the contagious illnesses, yet if we were to add 3 more ppl with out of control children the same age how much therapy would have really happened?? It is barely tolerable with Kissi vying for attention...just blows my mind that a seemingly rational person could NOT see that our house would not be an ideal place for some one to crash (and TRASH!) for a few days...In my flesh I fought texting pics of my pre-schoolers blisters with the words "You R WELCOME!"....

Well as much as I hate to admit it, I am getting bitter, I just don't believe this has happened, and I don't know how to fix it. It's not like I can apologize bc if I had done what was seemingly expected of me more ppl would have been exposed and as it is an adult sister of mine is fighting a nasty case of HF&M right now from being exposed by my daughter on Dec 24th.  I can only go with the Proverbs, "When words are many sin is not absent, yet he who holds his tongue is wise." And internally keep bitterness and resentment far from my heart, forgiving others for they do not know what they do?

I miss the ppl, I thought we were friends- close friends, and now this confirms that they were judging us the entire time, that unrealistic expectations were held over our heads. It feels empty when I think about them, not sure what is going thru their minds, what thoughts they have held captive? And how we are going to ever reconcile??

I can only leave this in God's hands and know He is bigger than this, and I can only control my actions and my I pray He helps me to keep them holy, true, lovely, praiseworthy...

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